What do you know about babies?

Mommy Proof #6: Everything you thought you knew about babies is a lie.


I thought I was a very efficient mother. When I found out I was having another child, I rationalized all of my fears with the realities of having a baby. Babies are pretty easy especially the fourth time around. I knew what to expect. Newborns sleep all day, eat quite often, but are easy to calm. Shush, swing, swaddle=A happy baby. I remember the moment I knew that I was in trouble. I don't know if it was the fact that he kicked me in my spleen on the way out or the fact that he was kicked out of the hospital nursery. What I do know is the joke was on us when my husband said, "Some one's baby is MAD!" As the wailing got closer, I said, "That is OUR baby." Lightning struck and the whole room went dark when they rolled his bed in the room. We both looked at this wailing baby less than 3 hours old with terror in our eyes. The nursery kicked him out and put a pad lock on our door. We were stuck...in there...with him.

High Needs infants can be described as intense ego maniacs who get pleasure from seeing the people around them melt into a self pitying puddle of inadequate nurturers. I jokingly (so they thought) told friends and family, "This baby is broken." I would laugh to hide my tears. What I learned about mothering  a HN baby during the first year of life:

1. I am an idiot. I can't change a diaper right. I don't know how to feed him correctly. I have no idea how to get a baby to sleep.

2. All babies are not the same. I am an idiot for thinking they are.

3. Babies will sleep when they darn well please. Some babies barely need sleep at all. They are content to scream and scream and scream and scream. On the rare occasion their eyes do close, it is just to give them enough energy to scream for four more hours. On average, that nap is around 30 minutes if you are holding them. Fifteen tops if you put them down.

4. You can spend money on a crib, bassinet, pack n play, or swing. You should have put that money into your therapy sessions. HN babies do not sleep.

5. They are like mean drunks. Most milk drunk babies will knock right out, pushing away from your breast as they get full. HN drunks get vindictive, belligerent, and obnoxious. They don't want any more milk, but you better not put that nipple away. YOU. BETTER. NOT!

6. There is no such thing as a routine for an HN baby. What worked yesterday will not work today.

7. They bring out all the know-it-all parents in your inner circle who will take great delight in telling you what you are doing "wrong." These are the idiots that have never dealt with a High Needs infant.

8. Their cries invoke fear of the greatest multitude. In Gaelic folklore, banshees were  female spirits who wails to warn of impending death. In reality, these were the mothers of HN infants in ancient times who were positive that impending death was foretold by sleepless nights with screaming infants. To warn of their impending sleep deprived deaths, they would wail in harmony with their screaming infants. It is true. I sang that symphony one late night in January. I was wrong. I didn't die. I just felt like a zombie the next day.

9. They will make you loathe every sweet quiet infant that doesn't pull his mother's earrings out or scream out in anguish because you took his favorite toy. Even if that toy happens to be your bottom eyelid.

10. HN infants may cry the loudest, but they also laugh the hardest, grin with the biggest smiles, and have the brightest eyes. You give them your best, because the demand it. You love them the most, because they  need it. They are your future CEOs, entrepreneurs, inventors.....so you better be nice to them!