My Baby is Broken

Mommy Proof #9: If all babies have a universal language, then my baby is broken.

I once saw a story about a woman who had deciphered the reasons why babies cry. I mean she has it down to a science. While I was holding my sobbing newborn, she was on a daytime talk show.  Like the godsend that she is, she told the mommies that filled the audience  exactly why their babies were crying.  She was on OPRAH, so that means that she is a certified genius. As she sat smugly amidst the adoring mommies with their quiet babies, I gazed down at my own newborn. I would try this experiment! This will make all the difference in my family's life. This screaming little meanie will suddenly become a cooing little cherub. Yes, he will.

I quickly ran and found a crayon and spare sheet of paper and scribbled down the code:

baby cry:
 
pre cry: neh=hungry
owh=sleepy
heh=discomfort
eair=lower gas
eh=burp

I sat strangely satisfied that I had  changed my life by jotting down this invaluable information. NO more nights filled with screams, wails, and sobs. I had the holy grail of newborn language. NO more changing diapers, offering breasts, swaddling the baby, burping the baby, smelling his diapered bottom,  coaxing with the pacifier, only to be met with more screams. NO MORE! I mimicked the sounds in my own baby cry. "Naaaa-eehhhh." Yup, sounds just like the Italian baby's cries. "HEH." I had learned how to speak baby Mandarin in ten minutes. I couldn't wait for my own little case study to wake up.

I made the mistake of taking a picture with flash.

I did the unthinkable. I roused him out of a rare moment where he actually napped.  I nudged his little leg until he started to toss. I nuzzled his little neck and breathed in his baby goodness until he began to stretch. I stomped around the room when I usually tiptoed around the sleeping baby. I realized I had made a mistake when he frantically opened his eyes and glared across the room. He caught my eye.

When you look danger in the eye, they tell you to show no fear. But the moment our eyes locked, I realized that I had made a choice that would result in dire consequences. My eyes flickered a faint distrust in what I had learned on that daytime talk show. Then, I remembered. I am in control. I have the code on that spare sheet of paper. Now, where did I put it?

Caption on shirt=Irony

I looked on the table. It was no where to be found. I checked the counter. I found the crayon.  Where was the stupid paper???? Where was that freaking code??? What was "Neh" again?? Why isn't he making any of those sounds? This baby language is universal. That certified baby genius said it on OPRAH! My baby didn't make any of those baby pre-cries. Not one of them. He proceeded to scream with fervor the rest of the night. He continued to do so for the last thirteen months....

I found that paper months later. It was under the couch. I threw it away like the trash it was...

When people would ask me why he was crying, I would jokingly tell them, "My baby is broken....but extremely cute!"

Disclaimer:  Pricilla Dunstan is actually a genius. www.dunstanbaby.com