Mommy Proof # 11: "Waste not, want not" is a myth.

Whoever came up with the saying, "Waste not, want not" lied. I am writing this as I come up for air amongst the sea of last fall/winter's kids clothing. Sure, I am going through the clothing with the hopes of finding that last year's jeans do fit. I am testing to see if the shirts that were slightly too big last season still cover at least their little wrists. I am wondering how many sweaters and sweatshirts I will need to get through this winter and hopefully fall of next year. With four children, we can not afford to waste a thing, but my wants are another subject.

I can prove that the "want not" part of that quote is an unequivocal lie. I do not want to do this. I want to just go online and order all new winter wardrobes. I have no desire what so ever to beg three young children to please try on clothing after clothing after clothing. "Please try on this shirt." "Put your arms over your head." "Reach down and touch your toes." "Sit down." "Walk over there." "Let me check your waist." These are all sentences that I do not WANT to repeat. I do not WANT to beg, plead, reason, and convince my three children that I need them to try on umpteen shirts. I don't want to do any of that.

I am sighing as I continue to do things I do not want to do, so I do not waste what I do not have. I still have this annoyingly, nagging feeling that the gem of a quote I stated earlier should not read that way. It could not have been written by a SAHM of four. As I go to put the fall/winter clothes away, I realize I have to put the spring/summer clothes away. Stupid quote.

My Baby is Broken

Mommy Proof #9: If all babies have a universal language, then my baby is broken.

I once saw a story about a woman who had deciphered the reasons why babies cry. I mean she has it down to a science. While I was holding my sobbing newborn, she was on a daytime talk show.  Like the godsend that she is, she told the mommies that filled the audience  exactly why their babies were crying.  She was on OPRAH, so that means that she is a certified genius. As she sat smugly amidst the adoring mommies with their quiet babies, I gazed down at my own newborn. I would try this experiment! This will make all the difference in my family's life. This screaming little meanie will suddenly become a cooing little cherub. Yes, he will.

I quickly ran and found a crayon and spare sheet of paper and scribbled down the code:

baby cry:
 
pre cry: neh=hungry
owh=sleepy
heh=discomfort
eair=lower gas
eh=burp

I sat strangely satisfied that I had  changed my life by jotting down this invaluable information. NO more nights filled with screams, wails, and sobs. I had the holy grail of newborn language. NO more changing diapers, offering breasts, swaddling the baby, burping the baby, smelling his diapered bottom,  coaxing with the pacifier, only to be met with more screams. NO MORE! I mimicked the sounds in my own baby cry. "Naaaa-eehhhh." Yup, sounds just like the Italian baby's cries. "HEH." I had learned how to speak baby Mandarin in ten minutes. I couldn't wait for my own little case study to wake up.

I made the mistake of taking a picture with flash.

I did the unthinkable. I roused him out of a rare moment where he actually napped.  I nudged his little leg until he started to toss. I nuzzled his little neck and breathed in his baby goodness until he began to stretch. I stomped around the room when I usually tiptoed around the sleeping baby. I realized I had made a mistake when he frantically opened his eyes and glared across the room. He caught my eye.

When you look danger in the eye, they tell you to show no fear. But the moment our eyes locked, I realized that I had made a choice that would result in dire consequences. My eyes flickered a faint distrust in what I had learned on that daytime talk show. Then, I remembered. I am in control. I have the code on that spare sheet of paper. Now, where did I put it?

Caption on shirt=Irony

I looked on the table. It was no where to be found. I checked the counter. I found the crayon.  Where was the stupid paper???? Where was that freaking code??? What was "Neh" again?? Why isn't he making any of those sounds? This baby language is universal. That certified baby genius said it on OPRAH! My baby didn't make any of those baby pre-cries. Not one of them. He proceeded to scream with fervor the rest of the night. He continued to do so for the last thirteen months....

I found that paper months later. It was under the couch. I threw it away like the trash it was...

When people would ask me why he was crying, I would jokingly tell them, "My baby is broken....but extremely cute!"

Disclaimer:  Pricilla Dunstan is actually a genius. www.dunstanbaby.com

I may not always like them...

Mommy Proof # 8: You are not always going to like your children. It is okay to say. Ricki Lake told me so!

I have a spitting image. She says we are like Siamese twins. Instead of Abby and Brittany, who are awesome if I might add, we are Ivy and Jenni. The only difference is that while Abby and Brittany get along and work together, Ivy and I have a totally different attraction towards each other. We are drawn to each other like the action scene of a speeding car driven by a blindfolded driver and that brick wall filled with explosives. We have a disagreement at least once a week, usually about her choice of clothing for the next day. (Why can't I wear a tunic sweater in 90 degree weather? or But I don't want to learn a different way to do the math problem I did wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Who is right? Who is wrong? Is the real problem that Ivy didn't do her homework right? Or is there an underlying issue?

The truth is: We may never know. I have been arguing with Ivy since she was three days old. She is the only newborn I saw that would toss her head back on that weak neck to scream in my face. It was usually about whatever grievance she may have endured  that day. I have known that we would clash since the first time she clenched her teeth and held her breath in defiance when I told her "No." I know this child inside and out. I can sense the calm before the storm when her anger rises as she quietly broods about the lot she was cast in life. Then when I say something that hits home, be it, "Read the instructions over again until you understand them" in my calmest manner, she erupts in the most melodramatic manner possible. I hang my head and admit that I return the same melodrama or "Melodrama mama." We throw the accusations of "You always..." and "You never..." like missiles until we are both hit, wounded, and staring at each other in disbelief. Later, we both apologize and tell each other five things we love about each other.

After that, I quietly lock myself into my room and make a much needed phone call. I  whisper sweet nothings and heartfelt apologies to my mother for having to endure what she did as I grew up. I laugh for hours as my twin sister and I reminisce about my own bratty behavior. I sit and quietly reflect on what I could have, should have, and will do better with my own child. I hate looking into the mirror, but I love seeing her reflection.

Ivy's description of herself for her MY FAMILY CLASS PROJECT:  I am spunky and sassy. I love shopping and playing UNO. (My favorite part!) My mom is my BFF.  When I cry, she is always there to comfort me. I love me!

I love my mom the most. She cooks great dinners. She helps me and loves me, too. She cares for me and believes in me. Before I go to school, she kisses me goodbye. She yells when my siblings and I don't listen, I don't like that! (<---I could have done without that last part! 0_o)