Mommy Proof #21: There are certain times, that I am certain, that I should NOT be a mother...

There are some women who claim that they LOVE being a mother. All. The. Time. They love when their child wakes them up in the middle of the night. They love when that same child then proceeds to cover them in that night's regurgitated dinner. They love cleaning the child, themselves, carpet, sheets, comforter, mattress, tub, toilet, and the rest of the bathroom in the dead of the night. They love when they repeat the cleaning three minutes later....8 minutes after that....12 minutes after that....5 minutes after that....and repeat, clean, and rinse for the rest of the night and following day. The problem is that I am not that mother. At. All.

I get frustrated. I get upset. I get annoyed. I get irritated. I get mad. I get stressed. It is usually the worst during a certain time of the month. No, it is definitely worst during a certain time of the month. PMS is the most evil natural occurrence in a woman's life. It is not helping that hormonally my uterus is asking why there isn't a fertilized egg in there. It proceeds to rid itself of that emptiness with an emotional fury that destroys everything in it's path. I went two glorious years with no visits from that evil wench. But when she came back unannounced, she came back with a vengeance. During that week, I am not fit for mothering and nurturing. I muster up the strength to laugh at their jokes and listen to their stories. I muster up the courage to wake up in the morning and begin the day with an upbeat spirit. I learn to paste a fake smile on my face that can be ready at any moment in response of one of their jokes.

During that time, I am oddly jealous of any women I see on TV, in person, in general. I get very annoyed that they can go on with their days and not look like they are on the edge of madness. I am annoyed if they have found the time to file their nails. Yes, I notice those things. Then, like clockwork, I feel better. I wake up three days later and greet the sunlight with a grin and a prayer. I smile when I am awakened in the middle of the night by one of my children. When that same child proceeds to cover me in last night's partially digested meal, I resist the urge to gag with them. I lovingly pick them up and clean them up. I hold them close until they fall asleep. Then, I clean the carpet, sheets, comforter, mattress, tub, toilet, the rest of the bathroom, and myself in the dead of the night.

In the meantime, I pray that their childhood illnesses synchronize watches with the rest of the month... O_o