Mommy Proof #30: It's okay to cry.

My oldest child had emergency surgery last week. Emergency is a word that is scary enough. Surgery is enough to make your heart stall. They have to put her under anesthesia. They have to cut her little body. She will forever be altered. How much pain will she be in? How will she cope? How will I cope? Who will watch my other children? Who will keep them during the surgery? What do I tell them? Then, your mind starts to run the gamut of  "What ifs?" What if the surgeon isn't the best? What if there is a complication? What if she doesn't wake up? What if...

There are no correct answers. In the hospital room before she was wheeled out of surgery, I paced back and forth with my mind racing. We went from a low grade fever and tummy ache to being admitted into the hospital. My baby was about to be cut open for the surgeon to remove her appendix, yet there she lay laughing and joking with us. So, I had to be brave. I couldn't show that I was scared. I couldn't cry. The problem is......I love to cry. I absolutely love to cry. It is great. It is a way to purge all of my emotions. It may be my favorite past time, but it isn't always productive. If I had shown her my tears, she would have known that I was scared. Then, she would have been scared.

Bob the Bear accompanied my daughter into the operating room. They removed his appendix, too.

Instead, I smiled and made lame jokes. Horribly, lame jokes. I didn't expect her to laugh and she didn't. It did break the ice though. It did allow her to say she didn't expect this to happen. It did help her to put her emotions into words. It made me realize that this was moving much too fast for her, too. It is probably what helped us to cope. From stomach ache to surgery, we didn't have time to be afraid. We had to face this head on and it made the hard decisions easy to make.

Life has a funny way of repeating itself. Nine and a half years before, it was just us in a hospital room facing the unknown. We didn't know what to expect, but we knew the next step had to be made. As her bed was rolled out of her room, I followed while silently praying. I prayed for her well being. I prayed she would be fine. I prayed everything would go well. I prayed that the surgeon would take care of her as I would. I prayed that this would all be over. I prayed that this would go away. I laughed as she joked with the anesthesiologist. I chuckled at her attempt to make jokes even though you could see her fear. My heart swelled with joy when I saw her face as her father walked in to embrace her small body. Then, she was wheeled away from us through those doors where I had no control. We held hands and walked down the corridor. Finally, I took a deep breath and sobs replaced it. Short, strong sobs that did not help, but allowed myself to feel what my mind thought.

An hour later, the surgeon walked down the hall with a smile on his face. Her infected appendix was gone. She was in recovery. She was going to be just fine and I cried again. It is okay to cry. I cried when I saw her in recovery. I cried when she was determined to get out of bed and walk. I shed a couple tears when I saw the determination etched on her face as she would attempt to sit up by herself. As I said earlier, life has a funny way of repeating itself. Once again, it was just us in a hospital room. Amen.

Hello, little Miss Invisible

Mommy Proof #29: I may have failed to mention my middle child....

I take it middle child syndrome is real. We have a second born child. I don't believe I have ever mentioned her. I'm positive I have never blogged about her. I have mentioned having four. I have written about my youngest child and his demands for the vast amount of my attention. I have laughed about my mini-me who makes me wonder how I ever decided that I could be some one's mother. I have triumphed with my third child who has overcome a few learning disablities. In the midst of it all, I may have accidentally failed to mention that I do, indeed, have another child that makes that number into a fabulous four. Her name may have fallen by the wayside as I focused my efforts on the child that needed it the most at any given moment.

She is a seven year old girl with the biggest smile and brightest eyes that you can imagine. A tiny one with a Bostonian accent that we all wonder where it came from as we live in a tiny country town. A daddy's girl at night and a mommy's girl during the day, that is our child. She looks like her father and has a personality like her mother. The kid that hardly ever gets sick, but when she does so sick she is! A child who cries every morning about going to school and smiles every afternoon as I pick her up. The easy going kid that never gets in any trouble. She is a perfect student. Quiet, well-mannered, appropriately behaved...

The type of kid that will call you from the school nurse's phone feigning an illness. Then when you get to the school, you can look in her eyes and tell that is not the real reason she is upset. You gather her into your arms and she melts into position. A hug is the cure for her discomfort. A cuddle is the needed therapy for a headache. A little bit of love is needed to hold her for the remaining four hours of school. So that is what I do, time and time again. Sometimes staying at the school to sit for library time. Watching her as she first watches me to see if I will remain there, then I am watching her as she forgets that I am still there. 

Then, she got sick and it reminded me of something. What if her sickness is not just a virus? What if it is something serious? How many minutes have I missed a memory to be made? So I decided to make more of an effort. I vowed to pay more attention than less when she is content to sit quietly. Instead of focusing on the ones that need to be entertained, what if I just go and sit quietly with her? What if I let her know that she is equally important? How many times have I neglected to do that? How content was she? I have come to cherish those times. They make her who she is and who she will become. I would hate for her to think that I focused so much on her siblings that I missed seeing her grow up...

One of the rare moments a family member captured. Just me, #2, and soon to #4....

Mommy Proof #28: "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."-Thumper, "Bambi" (1942)

Thoughtless Things People Say to Stay at Home Moms:

 1. "Don't you get bored?" During the course of a day, I do at least two loads of laundry, prepare breakfast and lunch, prepare numerous snacks, teach and play with a toddler, clean the house, pick up after a toddler, do the dishes, get the kids ready for school, run errands, change at least 8 diapers, pick up three kids, entertain them, referee them, help with homework, prepare and cook dinner, give four baths, etc. Nope. I don't have time for boredom.

 2. "I would love to sit around doing nothing all day." Yeah.....................Okay. Look at the response to number 1.

 3. "What do you do all day?" Yeah........................Okay. Look at the response to number 1.

 4. "Don't you want a real job?" Motherhood isn't a job. It's your life.

 5. "Didn't you go to college?" I did. It wasn't challenging enough. O_o

 6. "That would be my worst nightmare." Then, you must have some really lame dreams.

 7. "I brought you the help wanted ads." Thanks. I've been needing a nurse, chef, maid, wet nurse, chauffeur, nanny, psychiatrist, assistant, repair woman, teacher...clone. :-/

 8. "So...you are JUST a mom." Do I need to be more.

 9. "You've never wanted to do something with your life." Nope. Never. This is it. Poor me, right?

10. "Yeah, you have too many kids to work." Yes, because raising four kids isn't work. I love being on vacation every day. During last week's vacation, I cleaned up after four kids that were sick with a stomach virus, while nursing a sick toddler, while sick myself.

Mommy Proof #27: Depression will suck all the life out of you, until you get help.

Ten Reasons to hate Postpartum Depression:

1. It makes you feel so tired that you won't even want to lift your head off your pillow.

2. It makes you want to cry.

3. You sometimes feel like ending it all.

4. You wonder if your baby hates you, if everyone hates you, if you hate yourself...

5.  You may feel totally disconnected from the life you just brought forth from your loins.

6.  It makes you think making dinner is the most insurmountable task that could ever exist.

7.  You begin to smell if you don't take a shower.

8.  There is hardly any joy in your life.

9.  Everyone gets on your nerves.

10. You get on your own nerves.

Ten Reasons You Can Love Postpartum Depression:

1. When you do get to sleep, it is the best sleep in the world. You can literally sleep the day away, then sleep some more at night, and some more.

2. Wanting to cry all of the time stinks. BUT with tears, I can get my husband to clean the kitchen, help with homework, do the laundry, and tend to the baby...while I sleep.

3. When I feel like ending it all, I do it in the healthiest way possible. I stop stressing myself out. I stop trying to keep up with the dishes and laundry. I do the bare minimum to get me through that day with minimal guilt: pick up the kids, help with homework, prepare dinner, and give baths. Then, we sleep!

4. It helped me to appreciate my baby, kids, family, and friends once the worst of it was over. The kids had never been funnier and cuter. The baby made me want to laugh and cry with every milestone wondering what I missed when I was in my funk, then no longer caring. Because the end result was he did love me, they did love me, and I was loved, no matter what I thought.

5. You admit to yourself that being a mom is harder than it looks. Sometimes it does take a while to bond with the screaming, temperamental, bawling little stranger whose birth caused you to suffer the worst pain imaginable (AKA RING OF FIRE The Legend of the Doomsday Birther )

6.  I had the best feeling when I would prepare a meal that would make my children happy and full. It was also nutritious. I did good!

7.  Take the time to take care of yourself. When I finally starting caring about how I looked, I cared about how I felt.

8. Joy is the last thing you feel when you are depressed. The first time you really laugh after you get help will be a memorable occasion.

9.  It is hard to go through day to day activities that deal with other people when you don't even want to get out of bed. There are rules that you must live by in civilized society. When I willingly went to the store the first time, I knew I could see the light at the end of the depression tunnel.

10. I still remember the day I looked in the mirror and smiled at what I saw. It was the day I remembered who I am and who I was.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. If you are feeling symptoms of postpartum depression, address it with your doctor. It doesn't make you weak. It will make you stronger.
Mayo Clinic's list of PPD symptoms
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/postpartum-depression/DS00546/DSECTION=symptoms

Look What I Can Do, Didn't Do, Can't Decide to Do

Mommy Proof #26: The cloud really aren't following you...

Yes, it is time for a mommy confession. When I was younger and my magical imagination was still intact, I actually believed that the world really did revolve around me. So much so, that the clouds followed me around. Every time I looked out the window, that is what they were doing. Morphing into shapes that were just for my pleasure and entertainment. A lot of times, my mother didn't see those shapes until I pointed them out to her. If I stopped long enough to really look, the clouds would realize what I was doing and slowly start inching away from me. The clouds must have thought I would be a STAR!

Well, look where that has led me. I am a star. I can't have a conversation without the paparrazi...AKA kids....hanging on my every word. My toddler is always pulling my shirt off and hanging on my every movement. I have my very own stalkers. Every time I turn on a particular social network, I am bombarded by people that essentially want me to sponsor their every move. They hold us signs trying to get me to agree/like/share their every move. Because if I share it, others will.

"Like if you think I am pretty."
"My mom said if we get a million likes we can get a puppy."
"My dad said if we get a million shares we can get a kitten."
"Like if you love your mother, if you don't share you hate her."
"My husband said if we get a million likes we are going to Disney World."
"Like if you love bacon."

The first time I saw those likes, I was all for it. How could I not be happy that somebody's grandmother turned 103? How could it not be inspiring that the four year old had his last chemo treatment? Of course, I am cheering for them. How could I not? But somewhere along the lines, someone decided that turning 103 was too big of a feat for their family and decided to bring the 'likes' down to Earth. I began to wonder, just what is social media doing to our lives? Have we and are we raising a generation of people that can't make a decision without getting validation for it? Then, I saw the commercial where the little boy flushes the toilet and a parade arrives outside his door.

That is when I saw what has happened to our lives. Everything has become praiseworthy. The other day, I proudly exclaimed for the benefit of my tyrannical toddler, "I love how you are all playing nicely together!" One of the older kids said, "Look how I am building ALL BY MYSELF!" I was taken back as to what to say. Surely, she doesn't want me to repeat the earlier commendation. I decided to use my sarcastic wit as a reminder that she has been doing that since she was her little brother's age of 1. That made everyone collapse into giggles as they imagined themselves at his age. I began to wonder if I am doing to my children the very thing I hate. As I scrolled through my pictures, I was happy and afraid to see that I may have created a milestone of sorts: first smile, first prayer, first tooth filled grin, first snow, but what I didn't do was try to make it into a cornucopia of  Mad TV "Stuart." (Please tell me you remember that comedic genius! "Look what I can do!" http://www.amazon.com/Best-MadTV-Seasons-Craig-Anton/dp/B000A88EUK ) I didn't post:

"Share if you like snow!"
"Like if you love to pray"
"Share if you like teeth, if you don't share your teeth will fall out."

I planned a trip to take the kids to Disney World and I took them without a million likes. The first time my kids got a pet I didn't petition my friends to share the picture. I didn't make a you tube video of my children pop locking to a Korean pop star. I have made it through my life so far without getting a million likes....or even a hundred. So this is my promise to you.  You will never open this blog and see a picture of my toddler's first poop. You will never see if he smeared it all over his hands. You will never see the first time he asks if you like sea food, then opens his mouth for you to see his chewed up food. I may make a status about the last time he nurses, but I promise to NEVER, EVER  post a picture of me crying outside with my empty milk-less breasts flapping in the wind. Now, share this blog for a million likes. O_o

Things NON-Crunchy moms think and sometimes may say....

Mommy Proof #25: It doesn't matter what you do or how you do it, someone will have something to think.....or say......

1. You are what type of parent?

2.  You spent how much for ONE diaper?

3.  That piece of fabric you wrapped your baby up in cost how much?

4.  I think vaccines are awesome. I love the feeling of knowing that small pox was almost eradicated.

5.  I still think strollers are great. I baby wear, but there is nothing like free-wheeling a toddler in a jogging stroller while running up a hill. Can't do that with a baby sling.

6. When it is raining outside, I am not standing beside my van trying to tie a sleeping baby to my torso. As my 8 year old said, "Why don't you just put a blanket over the carrier and put him in the back of the cart?" Bravo, little genius, Bravo.

7. Once my toddler can unhook my nursing bra and say "mammary glands," the thrill is gone.

8.  I will never drink raw milk. Pasteurizing is an amazing process.

9.  Raw foods diet what?

10. I have had a natural childbirth without medication. My vagina suffers from PTSD.

11. Cloth diapering is a little too involved....

12. I don't want a "family bed." I want their bed and my bed. They are welcome into my bed as needed, but we aren't roommates.

13.  Attachment parenting ended when they cut the umbilical cord. We are no longer attached.

14. Family cloth who?

15. People actually attachment parent/water birth/natural childbirth/baby wear/cloth diaper/breast feed toddlers?????

16. Is he still  nursing? At 18 months? Is there still milk in those?

17. You mean you cloth diaper. You mean you have poop in your washing machine?????

18. You ate your placenta? Where they do that at?????

19. What is elimination communication?

20. So you share a bed with your toddler, 9 month old, and a 6 year old? When do you and your husband....DO IT?



For the record: I am NOT a crunchy mom. I do not cloth diaper (although I did think about it for twenty minutes), family cloth, eat my placenta, or drink unpasteurized milk. I DO co-sleep, still breast feed my 18 month old (although we are trying to wean....by we, I mean, I), use a stroller, baby wear, and gave birth without medication. And, yes, my vagina does suffer from PTSD. I don't care if you are or aren't a "crunchy" mom. We all do the best we can with the information we receive.

Stuff your Childless Friends say...

Mommy Proof #24: It does no good to get offended at the stuff your childless friends say. It is more satisfying to watch them eat their words when they have their first child.....

1. "When I have my kids....." Aaaahhhh, those are five of my most favorite words. The truth is that very few parents enter parenthood and actually stick to all of their pre-parenting rules.

 2.  "When I have my kids, they will never sleep in the bed with me." Good for you. Some babies are so very easy going that they do go down for the night and are easy to get back to sleep with a quick little rock or even a "It's time to sleep." I never had one of those babies. I was one of those parents who said I wouldn't share a bed with my fourth. I had made that "mistake" with my first three children. The mistake I really made was not doing what worked for my family. After three months of caring for a screaming infant, I fell asleep from pure exhaustion. I woke up in a panic when I realized that I actually had slept for more than 15 minutes straight. That had not happened since before he was born. I looked down and saw him curled into my body...where he fit....where he belonged....where he actually SLEPT!

 3.  "What's the point of buying a crib?" It looks cute. *shrugs* He will eventually sleep in it.

 4.  "That's why I will never breastfeed." (As they look at my toddler nursing.) Nope, breastfeeding isn't "fun." It does look "easier" to carry a bottle filled with the correct amount of water and formula or a sippy cup. Yes, he is quite big to want to nurse. But don't let what my baby and I do turn you off from nursing, which is how most mammals feed their young. I'm sure it isn't glamorous or appealing, but it does work for us. Whether you try to nurse or not, don't base it on a fleeting moment of watching me try to give my toddler a cup. Right then, he didn't want it. He wanted me. Nope, he didn't need it for nourishment. He needed it for comfort. Gross, right?

 5.  "He's spoiled." Yes, he is. Every baby, toddler, and child should have that feeling of knowing that their parents will respond to them. What looks like "spoiling" to you is actually my toddler expressing his desires and knowing that I am attentive enough to listen.

 6.  "Just tell him to stop and he will...." Okay, then you do it. See how that works out for you. But right now he is tired or hungry or bored, so I need to get to sleep or give him a snack or sing him a song. I know that will work out better for him.

 7.  "He's crying, because you pick him up every time he cries". But he was crying BEFORE I picked him up. Your logic is flawed at best.

 8.  "Why would you put your child on a leash?" Because some toddlers hate for their hand to be held. It may be too: 1. sweaty for his hand. 2. tight for his hand's circulation. 3. uncomfortable as you hold it. 4. makes his knuckles rub together. 5. annoying! It doesn't really matter to me what is behind the reason that makes my two year old rip his hand from mine and run off. The only thing that matters to me is keeping him safe, close to me, and happy.

 9.  "I will never buy a leash." .......until your impulsive toddler rips his hand away from yours filled with another baby and shopping bags, then proceeds to run into a crowd full of potential kidnappers. After that you may think again.

10. "I would never want kids in my early 20s/mid 20s/early 30s..." Then, don't have them. DUH!!!!!!!!


Which advice given from your childless friends made you laugh the hardest?